This post was originally written on day 18 of Bhante Sumano’s limited-run, daily, January newsletter, Anicca. It’s reposted here with minimal edits.
being gentle with ourselves
The venerable Thich Nhat Hanh has said, “You don’t need to be accepted by others. You need to accept yourself.”
It’s a mantra that bears repeating over and over—not just in word but in deed—because it’s true. Many folks continue to ignore the one person who desperately needs their support: themselves.
Paradoxically, this seems to be common for the most kind-hearted of people. They excel at radiating mettā, the energy of good will and kindness, outwards in every direction. They are quick to embrace friends and loved-ones in the warm space of their hearts, but then they exclude themselves from the power of that kindness. When that happens, they step further away from Buddhist practice and into the realm of self-neglect.
I use the word “they,” but it’s also me. It’s possibly also you. It’s probably a great big “we.”
Buddhism is not a practice of martyrdom, yet neither is it self-centered. In the Pāli-language discourses, the Buddha mentions several times that the best kind of person is the one who practices both for themselves and others. Ideally, we work on improving our own conditions while helping others and vice-versa.
Indeed, in the popular Karanīya Mettā Sutta—the Discourse on Good Will—the encouragement is to be kind to all living beings everywhere. And all living beings includes this being right here. Me. You.
If we’re not quite there yet, then the Buddha says the next-best person is the one who works on their own welfare first. Why is that? It’s like those in-flight safety videos say: “Please put on your oxygen mask before assisting others.”
If we have no solid ground to stand on, we won’t be able to support another. We may give what little we have and quickly burn out along the way. Better, then, to shore up reservoirs of strength and bounty in ourselves, so that we can move on to sharing it with others. Often this process doesn’t take long at all, and it’s also reciprocal.
Through it all, we must resist that voice that tells us we’re not worthy of love or goodness. That’s not wisdom talking. No matter how many mistakes we’ve made in the past, well, even more reason to generate compassion for ourselves.
In the end, we don’t practice despite our flaws, we practice because of them—because transforming and healing is possible, and we can start at any time, wherever we are.
a note on the images
“Model Lotus Flower,” ca. 2000 BCE, the Met:
The water lily, more commonly known as the lotus, was one of the most ubiquitous plants and symbols of ancient Egypt. Its flower, which is either blue or white (Nymphaea coerulea and alba), closes up at night and reopens in the morning to reveal a central yellow circle radiating yellow petals. To the ancient Egyptians this phenomenon reflected the rising of the sun at the dawn of creation, and the flower was seen as a symbol of daily rebirth and rejuvenation.
Until tomorrow—
Bhante Sumano